4 Red Flags Your Partner Still Has Feelings For An Ex

As a relationship therapist, I often hear concerns about lingering feelings for an ex. I’ve had many counseling clients describe how crazy it feels to struggle with worries that your partner still has these unresolved feelings.

While it is common for people to have memories of past relationships, it becomes problematic when the emotional ties go beyond nostalgia and begin to affect the current relationship. Here are four significant red flags that may indicate a partner still has feelings for their ex, and what you can do about it.

1. Constant comparisons with your Ex

If your partner often compares current situations to the ones they experienced with their ex, it could be a sign that the past relationship is still on their mind. These comparisons can start out innocently enough, like comparing a new place to a favorite restaurant they used to visit or referencing an activity they did together. But when it becomes a habit to compare yourself or your relationship to the one they had with their ex, it’s time to take notice.

Let’s say your partner, Austin, keeps talking about how his ex, Taylor, used to do specific arts and crafts, which makes you feel like you’re not up to par. This behavior is not only unfair; it puts you in a competitive situation you didn’t sign up for. Comparing yourself to his ex shows that Austin hasn’t completely moved on emotionally and that his unfinished feelings can still be entangled.

What to do: Have an open conversation about how these comparisons make you feel. Be assertive in sharing your concerns without sounding accusatory. Suggest ways to make new memories together instead of revisiting old ones. If your partner is receptive and willing to adapt, it’s a sign that they’re ready to prioritize your relationship.

2. Excessive emotional reaction to events in the ex’s life

Let’s say your partner seems unusually affected by news about their ex, such as a new relationship, breakup, or other major life event. A strong emotional reaction, whether anger, sadness, or excitement, can indicate unresolved feelings. It’s natural for people to feel something about their past relationships, but an exaggerated response shows that there may be more to it.

Consider Janelle, who gets upset every time she hears that her ex-boyfriend, Mark, is dating someone new. Even though she’s in a committed relationship with you, these heightened emotions make you wonder if she’s really invested in moving forward. Her emotional responses suggest that Mark is still taking up more space in her heart than is healthy for your relationship.

What to do: Ask your partner why they feel so strongly about their ex’s news. Their explanation can help you understand if it’s simply a reaction to a past chapter in their life ending, or if there’s something deeper they need to address before your relationship can truly thrive.

3. Maintain frequent or intimate contact

There’s a difference between casually staying in touch with an ex and having frequent personal communication that could blur boundaries. If your partner is constantly in touch with their ex, regularly texting or meeting for coffee “to catch up,” it could suggest a deeper bond that they haven’t let go of. Even if they insist it’s just “friendly,” the question remains: Are these interactions more vital to them than the well-being of your current relationship?

Chris continues to call his ex, Natasha, for advice on life decisions instead of seeking guidance from his current partner, Jamie. This habit of turning to Natasha may mean that Chris has not emotionally detached himself from her. While staying on friendly terms with an ex isn’t necessarily a red flag, it does pose a potential threat to a relationship when the lines between friendship and emotional support cross.

What to do: I found when researching my book Why can’t you read my mind? that it is crucial to address relationship discomfort in a non-confrontational way. Explain how it affects your sense of safety in the relationship and ask for boundaries to be set. Healthy partnerships should prioritize openness, but expecting a partner to create space between their past and present relationships is also fair.

4. Idealize the past relationship

The tendency to remember an ex and the past relationship as “perfect” or “the one that got away” can be problematic. If your partner often talks about their ex in glowing terms, downplaying any problems, it could be a sign that they’re still clinging to an idealized version of that relationship. Nostalgia can cloud reality, making the past seem more attractive than it was.

For example, Simone constantly recalls how her relationship with her ex, Mike, was “effortless” and “full of passion,” while implying displeasure with the ups and downs of her current relationship. His fixation on these memories shows that he is romanticizing the past in a way that prevents him from fully investing in the present. When your partner looks at the past through rose-colored glasses, it’s a sign that they haven’t yet accepted the reality of their life with you.

What to do: Gently remind your partner that no relationship is without flaws, including the one you had with your ex. Encourage them to reflect on why this relationship didn’t last and to focus on building a future with you. The goal is not to dismiss your past but to create a relationship in which you are both fully present.

Food to take away

If you recognize these red flags in your relationship, don’t panic. Partners can recognize lingering feelings and work together to resolve them. The key is open communication, setting clear boundaries, and focusing on building a future where both partners are emotionally present. Relationships are not about competing with the past but about creating a meaningful present together.

©Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.