Break? Gentle parent? What an expert says about child discipline

For many of us parents, it feels like we’re trying to figure this parenting thing out as we go. When a child acts out and hits another child or misbehaves in other ways, what should we do?

There are tons of suggestions on social media about how best to handle these situations.

As part of a week-long series on parenting, of LAist AirTalk covered how parents treat each child differently (or not), where we get our child-rearing instincts, and other topics.

And the series also covered the discipline. Although it used to be much more common, fighting is still relatively common in American households.

Behold AirTalk conversation with Cara Goodwin, licensed clinical psychologist and founder of ParentingTranslator.com.

The strike is ineffective and damaging

Although still common, evidence shows that spanking is not only ineffective in changing a child’s behavior, it is harmful.

“It’s associated with many negative outcomes in children,” Goodwin said, such as relationship problems, anxiety and depression.

A study from the University of Michigan found that hitting has the same effects as adverse childhood experiences, or ACES, for children—traumatic experiences that affect a child’s future and put them with greater risk for physical and mental health problems.

Time-out used correctly

To replace physical discipline, “time-out” was introduced to give parents another strategy, Goodwin said.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and pediatricians recommended use of break as a consequence of their behaviors and to help children calm down. But they were recent controversies over the years about timeouts being harmful or further traumatizing a child.

“However, research consistently supports time-out both as an effective method and research has failed to find any association with negative outcomes for time-out,” Goodwin said.

However, it is important to do it right. The polls demonstrated that time out was employed incorrectly by many parents. Goodwin says it shouldn’t be used in a harsh or punitive way

“In reality, you’re telling your child … ‘You hit your sister,’ for example, and ‘now we’re going to stop and calm down.’ And when it’s really framed as an opportunity for everyone to calm down and take a break from the situation, it can be really effective for kids,” she said.

Goodwin also said that breaks are only effective when, most of the time, a child has warm and loving interactions with their parents.

“We’re thinking about a lot of these strategies being used in a holistic way,” she said.

Best time-out practices they include being boring – so no toys – and being short-lived.

What about the “gentle parenting” movement?

The soft-spoken parent gained popularity among influencers and social media. Although Goodwin said it’s not clearly defined, the general idea is to value a child’s self-care.

“(That includes) unconditional acceptance of children, empathy for children, respect for children. And these are all incredible principles,” Goodwin said. But she questions the movement when she advises against using many evidence-based strategies.

“A lot of gentle parenting advocates say there should be no externally imposed consequences on children,” she said. “We really have no evidence for any of these claims about consequences, timeouts, praise, rewards.”

She added that it’s important to know what works best for your child. “If gentle parenting works for you, that’s great,” Goodwin said. But she added that parents shouldn’t worry about feeling like they’ve failed at parenting if they have to use consequences like time out.

“It’s all about what works best for each individual, and there’s a lot of research that shows that what’s really important is that parents are attuned to their individual child and what works,” she said.

Listen to the episode