Sam was only with us for a weekend, but they changed our lives

You are questioned and analyzed for almost a year. You do hours and hours of training.

Then your first day comes and you feel like you’ve forgotten everything you know, and you keep asking where the toilet is, even if it’s in your house.

That’s how my partner and I felt as we nervously chatted on our first car ride as foster carers. It was awkward.

Sam*, the teenager in our charge went quiet in the back seat and we were overcompensating.

Like bad first dates, we got confused and eventually fell into a silence we usually reserve for hangovers and post-argument reflection. This was going to be a long few days.

We had to get this young man to stay with us for a weekend, and despite the thoroughness of the vetting process and the support networks we had in place, I kept waiting for someone to chase us down and tell all three of us that he was there was a terrible situation. error

This, even though we had all the paperwork, of course a couple of idiots like us couldn’t take care of children aged four and up.

You see, when you start the process of inquiring about becoming a local authority foster carer, you’re probably a year away from meeting your first young person.

All the way through, you’re moving toward that nebulous occasion, and even though every day is an ambush toward it, it never stops feeling like something on the horizon, like paying off your student loan or getting back put on your favorite jeans.

The evaluation process itself was as long, intrusive and thorough as one would expect.

We started with a ‘Fostering Skills’ course which is a broad overview of what it’s like to be a foster carer and a chance to ask questions about scary things like first aid.

Of course, over time we’ve learned that the scariest thing is actually the quality of the coffee in the municipal buildings. This is where most people who will quit do it.

The stark reality of what the day-to-day looks like as cozy, the predictable problems and heartbreak you’re likely to encounter put a lot into it.

Not for us though. I attribute our staying power to the arrogance you can only have when you don’t have your own children to care for and the fact that we’re both the youngest of our sibling groups.

Then we have Sam.

The three of us returned to our homes, unknown to all. They visited briefly the previous week with their carer to check that this weekend placement might work and put a heartwarming face on the smiling images in the ‘about us’ document they received.

The house seemed alien to us because it had been tidied up to oblivion and the unknown smell of Zoflora wafted through the kitchen of our farmhouse. We carried deceptively heavy bags into the room they chose the week before, it was big and airy and seemed both cozy and totally inappropriate.

We left Sam to settle in and began preparing the dinner of his dreams, kindly informed of the favorites by his foster carers. An army marches on the bellies and so do teenagers: this is where we shine.

My partner and I shared a smile and a slice as we didn’t expect Sam to have seconds too.

And so, after a few days, Sam’s short stay with us came to an end. Since then, we have hosted a number of teenagers on short breaks ranging from a few hours to a few weeks.

Like many people with new children in their lives, we started out with puritanical ideas in terms of meals, screen time, and presence.

We would both always be there, we are a team, a double act. It means there’s always someone to bounce a concern off of, always someone to use as a sounding board, and someone to talk about the day’s events in bed at night.

Was I too chatty? no Did they feel pressure to have another portion? no Did you see when I made them laugh? no gutted

No phones. This has been complicated. Not only because I spend a lot of time googling things like “Is Fortnite safe for 14 year olds” and “What is a Camilla Cabello”, but also because, as a person with ADHD, this dark rectangle is where I keep my dopamine

Fortunately, my partner’s stern stare is far more effective than any of the time-limiting apps I find workarounds for.

It turns out that caring for a young person and trying to give them the space, time and fun you think they deserve is actually more stimulating than Facebook; it’s pretty much the same as Instagram, to be fair.

Over time, we’ve relaxed a bit. It’s okay if we’re both not there 24/7 when we have someone staying. Adding new dishes to a youngster’s list of favorites is a lovely win, but ultimately, if they go to bed with a full stomach, that’s the goal. Oh, and the phones, you still can’t go until bedtime.

When a social worker evaluated us as a couple – through many interviews – we were asked difficult questions. When we passed the evaluation stage and reached the final stage panel, we were grilled by a panel of experts.

There was no part of our lives that escaped interrogation and yet nothing prepares you for the questions you will receive from the young people in your charge. “What are we going to do that’s fun today,” “Do you have a proper job,” and “Did you know you have 11 dead things in your living room?”

Fair point: Taxidermy isn’t easy to explain, but I also think it was unsportsmanlike to include the houseplant on the windowsill.

These young people are often hyper-vigilant and do not have much going on. This can be scary at first, but it also forces you to really think about what you’re saying and doing, so the fear of accidentally muttering an expletive at the chicken that’s walked through an open door and into the kitchen really gets to you. obliges the present .

It’s been an exciting, challenging and uplifting three years and the more we do, the more we realize that this is exactly what family looks like to us. I am also increasingly convinced that if more people learned more about foster care, they would realize that it was the perfect fit for them and would enrich and vitalize their lives, like the wild swimming of parents.

There is one thing that is a problem and it is not the time it takes to train, it is the fact that the number of children in need of fostering has increased every year for the past decade and is now over 100,000.

Fostering will change your life and you might find yourself getting into a car while you, your partner and the first child you nursed are singing Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs after an amazing weekend together.

You will survive and you may find that you thrive.

*Name has been changed for anonymity

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