Eric’s Question: Petty complaints from friends cause bitterness

Dear Eric: I have battled a mild autoimmune condition for the past three decades that would flare up every now and then. Normal life is difficult during flare-ups, especially when you’re raising a family and running a business with my husband. I did everything I could.

About five years ago, I became extremely ill and everything just got worse and worse. During this time I mourned the loss of my two brothers and my father. Other traumatic things happened.

I’m trying to heal, and most of all, I’m trying to make the most of every day I have, even if I don’t. I read your wonderful column regularly. What would you recommend to help me with some bitterness I feel towards people who complain about the most minor, often ridiculous non-issues, people who waste their precious days with anger or resentment over no big deal while there are people who hope for just one more year.

– No complaints

Dear No complaints: I am always struck with awe when I read the wise words of Duke Divinity School professor and Christian scholar who often writes about navigating life after a diagnosis of stage IV colon cancer. In her book, Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved, she writes, “I keep having the same unpleasant thought: I’m preparing for death and everyone else is on Instagram.”

How can everyone else be so caught up in their little problems when life is so fragile and so fleeting? We often purposely fail to see the preciousness of our days because it reminds us of their finitude.

While the shortsightedness of others misleads you, use it as a reminder that they didn’t do the work you did. And that, to paraphrase Ian McLaren, they’re fighting a battle we know nothing about. For many people, that battle is against the lack of meaning in their own lives.

Bitterness steals crumbs from your gratitude and admiration. So use the bitter feeling as an alarm: Alert! This person is not in the same place I am. Use it as permission to turn them off (or even cut them out of your life altogether for a while) and refocus on yourself, your journey, and the parts of your life that connect you to meaning, wonder, and gratitude .