5 hidden signs of self-sabotage in relationships

Sometimes the only thing standing between you and a healthy, happy relationship it’s… you Getting to know someone and letting your guard down can be amazing, but so is it privacy it can also scare some people and send them running for the hills.

Self-sabotage in relationships can come in a bunch of different ways. But at its core, it includes “thoughts and behaviors that destroy your chances of real connection in an effort to protect yourself,” he says Idit Sharonia couple therapist and host a Uncomplicated relationships podcast. In other words, it’s the assumption that “If I break up with them first, then I won’t get hurt.” Or “because this seems ‘too good to be true’ something bad is bound to happen.”

You might ask, why would anyone screw up a good thing on purpose? Well, loving someone makes you super vulnerable—and sometimes pushing away the person who holds so much power over your heart can be a strategy to stay emotionally safe. “This instinct, which is often unintentional, can come from the past MINDfear of abandonment or insecurity about not ‘deserving’ healthy love,” explains Sharoni. In the long run, however, screwing up before you get too attached won’t protect you: it will only rob you of the joy that comes from authentic, loving experience.

If these self-destructive patterns sound all too familiar, you first need to see when you fall into them. Below, therapists share the biggest (and angriest) signs of self-sabotage in relationships to watch out for so you can’t hold back on the love you deserve.

1. You set unrealistic expectations for your partner

It’s one thing to know what you want. Maybe your “dream” partner has a steady job that they like or share same political views as you. But it’s another thing to set standards that are so unattainable that no one could ever raise them, says Sharoni.

Continuously raising the bar too big (and then using that as an excuse to leave) can be a form of self-sabotage because you’re setting your partner (and yourself) up for failure. This can look like you haven’t committed to someone you really like if they don’t have exactly the same hobbies and life goals as you. Or convince yourself of it because they weren’t available to hang oncethis is your cue to end things. Even if the person doesn’t have it red flags or dealbreakers, you might start hunting for something “wrong” with them.

2. You pick big fights over the smallest issues

It’s normal to get annoyed by the little things your partner does or doesn’t do – like folding the covers at night or forgetting to take out the bins. But if you’re constantly blowing relatively insignificant issues out of proportion, that could be a subtle sign of self-sabotage, he says Angela Sitkapsychotherapist.

For example, maybe you go on a tirade about how “lazy” and “incompetent” they are for not emptying the trash, instead of simply reminding them. Or maybe they were five minutes late to dinner because of traffic, and for the next hour you’ll be talking about how they not take the relationship seriously.