Asking Eric: The little, calculating stepparents took us out of their wills after our parents died

Dear Eric: My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 3. He left with our father and I with our mother. We saw each other during holidays and summers. Both parents remarried and had two more children. There is a gap of seven to nine years or more in our ages.

My brother and I were treated less like family and more like resentment. Fortunately, we had loving grandparents who showed us love and created safe places for us when we were with them.

To this day, we are both retired, have families, and have done well in every way. We worked hard to build and maintain a relationship with our parents and step-parents/siblings. I thought progress was made.

Both parents died within two years. Both stepparents redid their wills from them. I was surprised. Less for me, but for my children and their grandchildren.

I was left with an angry residue of past resentments that resurfaced. I don’t want anything from my parents. It’s not about the money – it’s not much, I know. I just don’t know how to move forward. Do I ghost him? Stop calling, writing and visiting because you feel very one-sided? I did most of the work and effort to maintain a relationship.

– Neglected stepchild

Dear Slighted: What petty people your step parents seem to be. They can adjust their wills any way they want, but it’s very telling that they didn’t make the big change until after your parents were gone. It doesn’t suit me. It feels callous and calculated. And pointlessly so.

Despite the machinations with their estates, you can still decide what you want from them. There is a version of this where you decide these are people not worth knowing. They were brought into your life at a tender time and they were not kind. It can be most liberating to say, “I deserve more than this; I’m leaving this relationship in the past.”

Alternatively, you can say, “I want to be in a relationship, and this is one-sided. What can we do to change that?” And see what they come up with. But honestly, I don’t know if it’s worth your time.

Finally, if you haven’t read Ann Patchett’s wonderful perfect novel Commonwealth, you might want to pick it up. It’s about a blended family and some of the themes might resonate strongly with you in a way that feels cathartic.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.