Dear Abby: My ex-husband is taking advantage of the joint custody agreement

Dear Abby: I have been married to “Ellis”, a wonderful man, for a year and a half. This is a second marriage for each of us. My older children are alone. Ellis has three boys (15, 21 and 23) who live with us. The oldest is autistic. My husband and his ex-wife, “Mia”, share joint custody, but our home is the primary home.

Mia should have babies two days a week and every two weeks. We have the kids come to our house after school because she works and the law is that if there is care, both parents have to pay equally. Mia takes full advantage of our kindness and usually doesn’t pick up the kids until 9pm on her nights. Sometimes she doesn’t show up at all, which leaves us all hanging.

Ellis refuses to talk to Mia about it because it ends up in an argument and he says he can’t make her do anything. He also won’t go back to court to hold her accountable because of the cost and the fact that he doesn’t want the boys to see him take their mom to court.

This situation is difficult and Ellis gets mad at me when I tell him he has to confront Mia or arrange to drop the kids off at work on her days. I am exhausted and this is putting a lot of strain on our marriage. I’m not sure she’ll survive if this continues. Please tell me what to do.

— Stressed-out stepmother

Dear Stepmom: Does your husband know how strongly you feel about this? You two are overdue for an honest conversation. As much as your husband doesn’t want to spend the money, the answer to this problem may lie in a lawyer’s office. Mia not adhering to the custody agreement may change the amount of money she may be required to pay her, or vice versa.

Two of their “children” are now adults. Has there been any discussion of when and if they will live independently? The youngest is just a year away from being able to legally drive himself to his mother if she can’t pick him up. All responsibility for them should not fall on you.

Dear Abby: What do you think about a situation where close family members and close friends misspell my daughter’s name? He is now 22 years old. I recently celebrated her college graduation and was horrified to see her name scrawled on the cards. This has been done to him over the years.

Abby, her name sounds similar to a more common name and I deliberately wrote her name on invitations and texts etc. It pisses me off and she already struggles to teach others how to pronounce her name, let alone spell it correctly. I feel a lack of care or respect that they don’t take the time to be sure. am i right

— Spelled wrong in New Jersey

Wrong Dear: How are these friends and relatives treating your daughter? If he treats her well, he forgives the mutilation of the name you have given him. She’s an adult now, so let her fight her own battles from now on, rather than alienate her from the people who care about her.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or POBox 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.