Asking Eric: An intervention for my husband resulted in a family explosion

Dear Eric: For a while, my husband and I struggled mentally, financially, and in every practical way possible. I asked nearby family members for support in moving to a new city. The family—husband and wife—staged what I later realized was intended to be some kind of “intervention” about our decisions.

A few days later, the wife was very chatty via text, asking everything under the sun about the move. I didn’t think anything of it until my husband (my blood relative) called me and blew up everything his wife had told him. He was yelling and scolding me and asking me how stupid I could be. I hung up and then texted them both telling them they don’t have to agree with our decisions but they can’t talk to me like that.

There were several reprimands via text. The wife stated that because I always asked for their opinions and advice, they had the right to speak to me that way because of how they felt about the decisions my husband and I were making.

A week later I got another text from my husband saying I was being irrational, manipulative and that he was entitled to more respect than I was for behaving like this. I can’t stop trying to figure out: is this as ridiculous as I make it out to be, or does going to someone to talk about things give them the right to enlighten you if they don’t like what you’re doing?

– Bad advice

Dear advice: Advice is not law. As an advice columnist, I don’t wear a robe and I don’t have a hammer. This was a sad surprise for me when I started this job as I love a good suit. But facts are facts. Your relatives can express their feelings about your decisions, they can even gossip privately about you if they choose. But you don’t owe them.

And I am asked for advice certainly it does not give anyone the right to insult, scold or degrade. (This is also a helpful reminder for those who write replies to advice column answers.)

You came to your relatives in need of emotional support and guidance. Advice is a suggestion. It’s an offer. It is optional. For them to respond with decrees and diatribes indicates that they are not actually the right people to support you.

Keep your boundary with them and if they can’t respect it, block them. This is just my suggestion.