FAMILY AND MARRIAGE: Criticism can be harsh, but complaints can be made with care | Features

“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.” —Frank A. Clark

“Let no corrupting word proceed out of your mouth, but only that which is good for edification, according to the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” — The Bible (Ephesians 4:29)

The Bible in Revelation talks about the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. They represent the end time and the various aspects of the apocalypse, i.e. the final complete destruction of the world. The Four Horsemen are conquest, war, famine and death

John Gottman of The Gottman Institute (relationship and marriage) uses the metaphor of the four horsemen to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Gottman’s experience indicates that the most common of the four horsemen is criticism. Maybe because it’s the easiest. Most of us probably don’t go through the day without criticizing something or someone. We may think that we are simply offering a critique or complaining about a certain behavior or situation, believing that we can help improve it. But if we’re not careful, it comes across as an attack on the person’s character.

Perhaps we should think more about our own attitude leading to critical observation. When things are going well for us and we have a positive attitude, it is much easier to understand and forgive others. But let’s have a bad day and the whole world better watch.

It’s common for people to look for an explanation for their negative feelings, and over time, people can develop a negative habit of mind while searching for why they feel so bad. Instead of evaluating their own behavior, they look to the transgressions and mistakes of others to explain their own upsets or disappointments.

Sometimes people watch their partner’s mistakes but say nothing to avoid conflict. But that really causes them to bottle up their anger or frustration until it turns into resentment. Then they analyze their partner’s mistakes and come up with an explanation that comes off as a “you” blame statement: “You’re always talking about yourself! You never care about what I have to say!”

This is criticism, which is different from offering criticism or voicing a complaint. In fact, you are not criticizing a specific action or behavior, but your partner as a whole person. And the words like always and never imply that the other person has a consistent and negative personality flaw. Children, especially, will often say “I don’t like you” when you correct or punish them. I remember hearing this from my children in the distant past, but it only hurt for a short time. I knew they were going to love me back by the next episode.

But if you can’t put that emotion in the short-term category, it can have devastating effects because we feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. It often causes a couple to fall into an escalating pattern where criticism resurfaces with greater frequency and intensity.

A complaint, on the other hand, addresses a particular behavior or action and does not carry the negative charge of criticism because it does not assign blame and instead expresses a need. For example, “We talked a lot about your day and the things that bothered you, both at work and at home. I’m glad you shared them with me. Now, may I share some of my concerns? And then let’s work on them together.”

Talk about your feelings using “I” statements and expressing a positive need. Instead of saying, “You said you were going to wash the dishes, but there’s still a pile in the sink. You never do what you say you’re going to do,” try a gentler approach: “There’s still some dirty dishes in the sink. I need you to clean them please as this was our agreement and we have some visitors coming soon.