9 signs that you are not the problem in your family, even if everyone acts like you

Family dynamics can be difficult to navigate, even for people who come from emotionally stable and healthy backgrounds. When families function in unhealthy ways, maintaining boundaries and building an independent life can be more difficult. It can be hard to accept signs that you’re not the problem in your family, even if everyone else acts like you.

People who try to separate themselves from their difficult family situations are often mistreated for doing so. They are made to feel like they are wrong for wanting to establish some distance, when really, they put their emotional needs first and take care of themselves as best they know how.

Here are 9 signs that you’re not the problem in your family, even if everyone else acts like you

1. They tell you you’re “too sensitive”

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Being told you’re too sensitive is one of the signs that you’re not the problem in your family, even if everyone else acts like you. There are different types of toxic families that can profoundly affect how you see yourself. Being part of a family where you are singled out and criticized for being “too sensitive” can make you doubt your own reality. This type of family dynamic is essentially a form of gaslighting, where they treat you badly, but tell you it’s love.

Therapist Patrick Teahan called this type of family an “anti-love family,” explaining that because parents do not offer warmth and love to their children, being vulnerable is often seen as weakness. Your family will likely tell you that you are overreacting, even though your reaction is a normal response to being teased.

2. You make your mental health a priority

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As soul coach Carolyn Hidalgo explained, a crucial step in untangling unhealthy family dynamics is focusing on your own personal growth and inner peace, which requires you to put yourself first.

According to statistics from the National Alliance for Mental Health, 1 in 6 youth ages 6 to 17 experience a mental health disorder each year, and 50% of all mental illnesses begin by age 14. So, if you come from a family where taking care of your mental health was stigmatized, you may not have learned the skills you need to regulate your emotions or manage stress in a healthy way.

Learning that you deserve care and support is essential to the process of healing past trauma and attending to your own well-being. It is not easy to change the deeply rooted patterns that your family imposed on you. If you’re working on being self-reflective, practicing mindfulness, and listening to how you feel, you’re giving yourself the tools you need to build your emotional resilience, even if your family neglects theirs.

3. You are more confident when you are not with your family

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It’s not easy to develop a strong sense of self-worth when your family blames you for everything or makes you feel like everything you do is wrong.

Pay attention to how you feel about yourself in the company of your family: do you feel inferior? Is it safe for you to share your beliefs? If your family focuses on dragging you down instead of celebrating you or offering you unconditional support, it’s a sign that you’re not your family’s problem.

If your parents played favorites and held you to impossible standards, they may have never taught you to believe in yourself. Research in the Journal of Family Psychology determined that children who are subject to parental favoritism are more likely to use substances during adolescence. Also, being the “unfavorite” child can lower self-esteem and self-worth.

Being away from your family can give you the space you need to cultivate your confidence. You may notice that your self-esteem flourishes when you’re alone, but withers when you’re around your family.

4. The limits you set are not respected

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Your family constantly crosses the boundaries you have set. And setting boundaries is not a simple process, especially when your family refuses to respect your boundaries. They could see how far they can push you, indicating that they have no limits of their own.

As psychologist Nick Wignall noted, “Trying to improve unhealthy boundaries can be exhausting and emotionally taxing…Stress and difficult emotions often tempt us to give up our boundaries.”

Wignall advised that people study their reasons for setting boundaries, so they can be prepared to enforce consequences when people cross them. “Better boundaries are key to healthier relationships,” she revealed. “They are also essential for your emotional health and well-being.”

5. You don’t have a chance to change

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A sign that you’re not the problem in your family, even if everyone else acts like you, is that you’re expected to stay the same and any personal growth you’ve achieved is ignored. It’s not easy for parents to accept that their children have their own lives, but doing so is an important part of staying close as your children grow up.

If your parents refuse to accept that you can make your own decisions, it shows that they still see you as a child. They are unwilling to give you room to change and become an independent person because doing so threatens the long-established patterns of the family system you have been a part of.

According to life coach Kathy Ramsperger, “Parents who want to plan and control their children’s lives will tend to want to control their adult children’s lives as well… They have an expectation that their child will do what they would do or than them”. of counseling, especially when it comes to relationships and parenting decisions…Parents who judge their children’s every move are setting them on a path of indecision and doubt, anger and resentment.”

While a healthy family recognizes and respects that people change, an unhealthy family does not recognize that everyone is an individual and is allowed to have their own life.

6. Your family avoids having difficult conversations

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Maintaining the practice of speaking directly and openly about issues that arise is essential to healthy relationships. If your family avoids talking about difficult topics, even when you try to bring them up calmly, it’s a sign that you’re not the problem in your family.

Some families think that putting problems out of sight means everything is fine, but in reality, not addressing them honestly only causes these problems to fester and explode later. If you try to start tough conversations, only to find that your family members refuse to listen and open up about what’s bothering them, the problem is the rest of your family, not you.

In order to “unravel” these toxic family dynamics, Hidalgo suggests some methods of action. In addition to trying to initiate these difficult conversations, she recommends using “I” statements, active listening, seeking understanding from different perspectives, staying calm, and meeting people where they are.

7. Your family members don’t apologize

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You may try to take responsibility for past mistakes, only to ignore those efforts because your family members avoid conflict so much that the act of apologizing simply doesn’t happen. If your family ignores your apologies and refuses to apologize when they’ve hurt you, you’re not the problem, even if your family acts like you.

Offering an apology is a vulnerable act, which requires a high level of emotional intelligence. If your family doesn’t prioritize self-reflection, it’s virtually impossible for them to take responsibility for hurting others. They might say they’re sorry you’re upset, but that phrase is a passive-aggressive way to avoid a truly impactful apology.

If your family is made up of people who lack basic empathy and compassion, they’ll make you feel like you’re the problem, even when you’re not.

8. Your emotions are invalidated

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You might raise concerns or share how you feel, only to be told by family members that your emotions don’t matter. By invalidating your feelings, they not only undermine your sense of self-worth, but also make you question whether you can feel the way you do.

According to research in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, children who are told that emotional invalidation and neglect are normal in their youth are more likely to become adults who view emotional intimacy as a threat; there is also an increased risk of pathological narcissism in adulthood.

Everyone has the right to express their emotions, even if other people are unwilling or unable to hold space for them. If everyone acts like you shouldn’t be vulnerable and feel the full range of your emotions, it’s a sign that you’re not the problem in your family. You may be ready to deal with emotions in a healthy way, but your family is not, which makes them the problem.

9. You play the role of peacemaker

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If you’re constantly assigned the role of keeping the peace in the midst of family conflict, it’s a sign that you’re not the problem in your family, even if everyone else acts like you. You may try to de-escalate tension or mediate arguments in a calm, rational way, but your family chooses to enjoy the drama and pit one person against another.

As Dr. Cortney Warren explained, “Often in toxic family systems, there is a shifting of responsibility for the well-being of each member.” She revealed that being forced into the role of peacekeeper can profoundly affect how someone relates to people outside of their family, noting, “If you were always a peacemaker in a dysfunctional family system, You may have problems with conflict in your current adult relationship.”

If your family perpetuates conflict by triangulating people against each other, it’s a sign that you’re not the problem, even if you’re being blamed for not finding a solution.

Alexandra Blogier is a writer for the news and entertainment team at YourTango. It covers social issues, pop culture analysis and everything related to the entertainment industry.