The problem with today’s sex and love trends

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Phrases like “boysober,” “the ick,” and “the celibate” are increasingly entering today’s lexicon. They often do so under the guise of promising better well-being, and especially for women, a springboard from which they can regain sexual autonomy. Often, they’re making their way into the collective psyche against the backdrop of a culture obsessed with self-care.

As an experienced sex and relationship therapist, I fear that these moves often do more harm than good.

Some trends, like “the ick,” seem to me to encourage people, usually women, to deliberately look for things in potential partners, usually men, that turn them off. These women might compile “ick” lists that include innocuous things like paddling a dog in the water, showing ankles, or taking naps.

Going “sober” or entering an “era of celibacy,” which involves committing to a (usually) long period of sexual and romantic abstinence, is lauded as a time for self-reflection and self-improvement. However, by leaving out sexual intimacy, you may be neglecting what is a fundamental aspect of the human experience for most (though of course not all) people.

In the past 20 years, sexual frequency has declined, and many young adults have not even had a serious romantic relationship. Meanwhile, rates of anxiety and depression have risen, especially among younger generations. Some research suggests that there is probably a two-way link, meaning that as sexual frequency has decreased, anxiety has increased; this increased anxiety, in turn, has probably contributed even more to a decline in sex.^1-2

According to recent data collected by the Kinsey Institute and dating app Feeld, nearly half of respondents who identified as Gen Z were single, compared to just one-fifth of Millennial respondents. According to the report, Gen Z respondents, while reporting more expansive views on sexuality and embracing kink more than previous generations, also reported having sexual fantasies about romance and monogamy more than anything else .

I have compassion for the sexual and romantic disconnect experienced by younger generations. Many of them came of age on social media before we understood how psychologically and relationally damaging it could be. For some, connecting with people online has inhibited the development of real-life relationship skills. The gamification of dating apps makes it easy to dump a love interest at the first sign of conflict because it’s easy to swipe for a new hookup. And despite the many positive outcomes of the sex-positivity movement, there are some anecdotal reports³ of people who feel left out or like crumbs for longing for more traditional relationship structures or not embracing each other.

Our on-demand lifestyles, I believe, have left us ill-equipped to deal with painful emotions like anxiety or heartbreak. It’s easier than ever to trade for something else. While we should never settle for unhealthy relationships, these tendencies could encourage a pattern of avoidance that stifles growth, intimacy, and meaningful connection.

Also, I believe that much of the mental health information on social media has dramatized and sensationalized normal human emotions. Even some well-intentioned therapists are quick to label others as “toxic” or recommend cutting people off instead of offering tools to navigate the inevitable difficulties that arise in all relationships. What seem like small missteps can have major consequences when they spread quickly online. Self-care is sometimes presented as the answer to all these problems, but at least anecdotally, most of the self-care recommendations I see on social media focus on individual activities like meditation and journaling, rather than foster meaningful relationships.

Where does all this often leave us? alone

I argue that we need to question whether today’s trends, from “evil” to cutting people off at the first sign of conflict, are actually fostering well-being, or if they’re inadvertently taking us further away from the connections we long for. Instead of seeing relationships as opportunities to discover new parts of ourselves, have we created a culture where the prospect of deep emotional and sexual connection is met with trepidation?

When I step back and look at all the data—the fact that people are having less sex, avoiding romantic relationships, and feeling anxious, depressed, and lonely—I feel called to remind people that no matter how hard we try to fight that, humans are wired for love and connection. Throwing in the towel on love and sex is not the answer. Instead, we must redouble our efforts to foster meaningful emotional and sexual intimacy.

We have solid and clear research on the many benefits of healthy sexual and romantic relationships for those who want them. Benefits include better personal and relational well-being, better physical health and greater well-being, emotional stability and overall happiness.

In my new book, Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Creating Connection and Cultivating PassionI implore people to break harmful tendencies of disconnection and instead turn to each other with a renewed sense of hope to rekindle both emotional and sexual passion in today’s modern world. Empowerment, joy, and even personal growth happen in connection, not in isolation.