Scandal erupts at the World Conker Championship when the triumphant ‘King Conker’ is caught with a painted steel replica: ‘It’s all crazy’

Software like VAC and Riot’s Vanguard may be at the forefront of anti-cheat operations, but a scandal at the recent World Conker Championship shows that players trying to gain an unfair advantage started long before aimbots plagued Counter-Strike . The most recent conker competition took place this past weekend in Northamptonshire, UK, with the winner in the men’s category being David Jakins, who has been competing since 1977 and is (or was) a trusted figure within the conker community.

But wait! After Jakins’ win, organizers searched the 82-year-old and the wily pensioner was later found to have a steel chestnut in his pocket, which had been painted brown. Jakins denies that he deployed this metal intruder during the tournament, but an investigation is underway, with some of the competition suspecting nefarious tactics. Against those suspicions, Jakins won his quarter-final and semi-final matches in one stroke before doing the same in the final.

I should briefly explain conkers for non-British audiences. You most likely know the word for Rare’s Conker seriesplatform games with a mean-mouthed squirrel and bosses that are just giant poobut the hero’s name comes from a traditional game played in Great Britain and Ireland. Players take the seeds of a horse chestnut tree, solid rounded lumps known as conkers, make a hole and thread a string through them, then take turns hitting each other’s conkers. Whoever breaks first loses.

To return to our current scandal, retired engineer Jakins took a position of absolute trust in the contest. He was known as “King Conker”, the nickname given to the top judge, who is responsible for the crucial task of drilling holes in the contestants’ chestnuts and threading rope through them. More than 2000 conkers were prepared for the competition.

“Allegations of foul play have been received that King Conker somehow switched his real conker for the metal that was later found in his pocket,” said St John Burkett, spokesman for the World Conker Championship. he told the Daily Telegraph. “Players select conkers from a sack before each round. There are also suggestions that King Conker had scored the hardest nut strings. We can confirm that he was involved in drilling and fitting the nuts prior to the event . We are investigating.”

For his part, Jakins says there is a perfectly innocent explanation. “I was found with the steel conker in my pocket, but I only carry it with me for humor value and I didn’t use it during the event,” said King Conker. “Yes, I helped prepare the conkers before the tournament. But that’s not a cheat or a fix, and I didn’t mark the strings. I just tried to hit hard, and somehow I ended up winning.”

Jakins’ opponent in the final is not happy with his conkering. “My conker disintegrated in one hit, and that doesn’t happen,” said Alastair Johnson-Ferguson. “I suspect foul play and have expressed my surprise to the organizers.”

While Jakins won the men’s competition, he eventually lost the grand final to Indianapolis’ Kelci Banschbach, who in an embarrassing scene for the Brits became the first American to win the competition since it began in 1965.

“As if it wasn’t suspicious enough that the event’s top judge entered his own tournament and won, he’s also wiped out his opponents’ nuts in one fell swoop and then found himself with a metal conker,” he say conkers fan David Glew. “The question that has to be asked is: How has he won now, having never won before? It’s all crazy.”

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