The daughter refuses to give money to her elderly mother

When money and family mix, things always get messy. This is the case of a woman on Reddit who has reached her breaking point with her elderly mother’s financial situation, specifically, being constantly asked for money.

The Connecticut woman explained that she has fallen into the unfortunate habit of giving her elderly mother, who lives in an assisted living facility in Florida, money whenever she asks. The requests are endless, from helping with bills to putting gas in his car.

However, after checking her mother’s bank accounts, she realized that it was not essential that her mother bought with the borrowed money: she was constantly shopping, eating out and ordering a lot of fast food.

The grown daughter does not want to give her elderly mother any more money, arguing that her “bad life decisions” have made her poor.

“I got a call yesterday from my mom asking me for money, once again,” the 52-year-old admitted in her Reddit post.

“She’s 80 years old,” he continued, “I’m her only child. I don’t have kids and I’m in a long-term relationship. I work full-time and make a decent living. She’s a widow. We don’t have any other family.”

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Earlier this year, her mother’s sister died, leaving her $3,000, which she spent in less than two months. Although he claimed to have spent the money on repairing his car, his daughter knows the truth.

“I have access to his checking account, which he gave me,” he revealed. “He shopped A LOT, ate out, bought fast food and maybe the only decent thing he did was pay for a new charger, about $250, for his hearing aids.”

Her daughter decided it was time to set a boundary with her mother about money.

“She’s a widow and has no savings, no pension, no 401K, and an old car that’s about to bite the dust,” the woman admitted. “I’ve given him money a few times and (sent) a few items here and there through Amazon, but I’m tired of being lit. I sent him $200 and told him that’s all I got and that he has to STOP spending money.”

When she confronted her mother about the unnecessary spending, she became defensive. When he suggested getting rid of his expensive car, he claimed it was “his ‘way out’ of the assisted living place he hates.”

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Since her mother clearly does not want to help herself, she is not sure what to do. She’s worried about the future of her relationship, but she’s reluctant to put her savings at risk even more.

“I don’t want him to suffer with zero funds, but he put himself in this situation,” added the woman. “Yes, I’m grateful to make decent money, but I need to keep a roof over my own head. Who’s going to help me with my bills when I’m 80?”

As many low-income families have experienced, this kind of “money stress” and uncomfortable financial conversations can really damage relationships, creating resentment and anxiety in a way that leads to disconnection. So how can this woman move forward to support her mother while protecting herself and her financial limits?

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Commentators suggested that this woman’s elderly mother has “a spending addiction” that needs to be addressed with intervention.

Although many Reddit users suggested that the root of the elderly mom’s spending problem is loneliness: living in an assisted living facility, in a different state from her family, with little money, is not he is shy about disputing this theory.

“Everything is more expensive in CT,” he wrote, adding that when his mother “was happily married, had money and an active social life, she still spent it (irresponsibly).”

So while seemingly “irrational and irresponsible” spending can often be a sign of loneliness or insecurity, he concluded, with the help of other Reddit users, that his elderly mother has an addiction to spending money.

Like any other addiction, this woman’s compulsive spending and shopping triggers a temporary euphoria and likely helps her cope with and mask feelings of anxiety, depression, or even boredom. While it may have started when he was in a stable place, it only gets worse now that he is dealing with more intense emotions and trauma.

“Now that she’s a widow and has zero money left, (her addiction) is exposed,” the woman continued. “I’m going to have to have a tough talk.”

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Of course, she doesn’t “owe” her mother any kind of financial support just because of their relationship, but many online still empathize with her desire to help her mother and her guilt for not doing so. Some suggested that they budget together or that he give his mother a monthly allowance.

“Try giving her a prepaid card or budgeting with her,” one commenter suggested. “Once that money is gone for the month, it’s over. If there are big bills (bills, groceries, etc.) that you need, just pay them up front.

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Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango focusing on health and wellness, social policy and human interest stories.