Eric’s question: Ex-manipulator offers money and declares love

Dear Eric: My partner and I have just bought a house together and are settling in nicely. He and his ex were married for 10 years and she was mentally and emotionally abusive towards him. It took a lot of strength for him to leave.

They have no children, pets or any property together. It should have been a clean break; however, she still contacts him.

She recently mailed him a card. Inside was a housewarming gift, a $1,000 gift card.

Two weeks later, she sent him a letter saying how much she loved him, missed him and wanted to let her into his life and that she had changed. He doesn’t fall in love with it.

He is aware that she is manipulative, but he does not confront her with the issue of giving up either. Instead, he chooses to ignore her and believes that any response would fuel his behavior even more.

I trust my partner and know that no funny business is going on. I also feel that this is not healthy for anyone.

He has mentioned in the past how he feels obligated to her (she saved his life a long time ago). I also don’t think she’s talked about our relationship and I doubt she even knows we live together so it feels like a secret (she absolutely despises me). None of this feels good, and bringing it up only brings tension. If we do, he treats it like I’m the one with the problem and that’s perfectly normal. what do you think

– Silent partner

Dear partner: A thousand dollars and a manipulative confession of love? This is neither normal nor the kind of problem that just goes away. Your partner is either fooling himself or trying to fool you.

Additionally, his reluctance to set a clear boundary with his ex or even tell her you’re living together suggests he’s not ready to move on from this abusive relationship. It’s not his fault, but he has a responsibility to address the issue for his mental and emotional health and the health of your relationship going forward.

It can be hard to move on. Recovery from emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships takes a long time and is often more complicated than it first appears. If he doesn’t actively work on it, though, he won’t make progress. Your conversations can be less tense if you start them off by acknowledging that the relationship with his ex remains complicated and probably involves a lot of conflicting feelings for him. But he also needs to recognize that your problems with your ex’s behavior aren’t “your” problem, they’re a relationship problem in which he has a big part to play.