How to break 8 toxic communication habits

IIf you want to excel at pickleball, cake decorating, or piano, you’ll probably sign up for a class or hire an instructor. But what about talking? Communication is one of the cornerstones of a successful personal and professional life – yet many of us never receive any formal training in how to do it well.

“We copy what our parents do and then what our teachers and friends do,” says Raele Altano, a communication coach who also issue advice to her social media followers. “We assume that’s the standard – it definitely comes from our upbringing.”

This can lead to a lot of blunders, from hijacking the conversation to shutting down when things don’t go your way. Meanwhile, investing time in learning to communicate better can improve how we represent and advocate for ourselves, Altano says, while also boosting confidence. “It affects all areas of life, whether it’s dating, asking for a raise, presenting in a public speaking environment” or even making and keeping friendsshe adds.

With that in mind, we asked experts to share what they think are the most toxic communication habits—plus, what to do when you encounter them (or even recognize them in yourself).

Making it all about you

We’re all psychologically wired to find common ground with other people, Altano says. So when a friend describes their recent trip to the Bahamas, you might use it as a springboard to recount your own favorite island trip. You want to relate to them, but matching every one of their anecdotes with one of your own isn’t the best way to do it. “Constantly bringing up your experience when someone is talking and saying, ‘Oh yeah, that happened to me,’ is deflating for the other person,” says Altano. “It sounds very self-centered after a while.”

If you recognize that you often bring the conversation back to the topic you know best—yourself—make it a point to work on your active listening skills, such as paraphrasing what the other person said and asking questions. Remember that people want to feel heard and don’t necessarily need you to add something to their story.

If hijacking the conversation is becoming a pattern for one of your friends, in the meantime, work up the courage to address it. Altano likes this non-confrontational approach: “I’ve noticed that when I bring up something about what’s going on with me, the conversation tends to pivot. Is that something you noticed too?” You can also try redirecting every time it happens, she adds—”Like I was saying…”—or preface a story with a request for their advice, which can help make sure the focus stays on what’s going on. you have something to say. “If they feel included, there’s less desire to say, ‘Oh, well, that happened to me,'” she says.

Close

Do you tend to withdraw when someone says something you don’t like – or perhaps sulk, refusing to engage? Stonewalling, as it’s called, is a protective technique that some people tend to use when they’re overwhelmed by big emotions, says Roma Williams, therapist and author of the book. Download it: An Effective Guide to Increasing Communication. But it can leave the other person feeling frustrated, isolated and rejected.

If you shut down when you’re upset, you may benefit from journaling or other emotion regulation techniques, Williams says. She guides clients to practice saying, “I’m upset—I just need a moment now,” instead of walking away without a word. If you let the other person know that you’d like to continue the conversation later, once you’ve had a chance to get together, it will be less likely to spiral.

On the other hand, if your friend or partner stops you, you might say, “It seems like it’s hard to talk about right now. Would a break from the conversation help you?” This can give them the time and permission they need to get their emotions under control before speaking, Williams says.

Frequent interruption

The first step to breaking the habit of interrupting is to recognize it—and then dive into the root cause. “Why do I do it? Is it because I don’t feel heard? Because I have an ego?” says Anne Willkomm, associate professor in the department of communication at Drexel University. You might find, for example, that you interrupt during Zoom meetings because you’re eager to contribute and you’re worried you’ll miss the opportunity.

To break the habit, try to accept that not all of your ideas will be heard at that specific moment, but you’ll have a good chance of sharing them later. You can follow up with an email, Willkomm suggests, or schedule another meeting. If you still find yourself trying to interrupt, get in the habit of apologizing: “I’m sorry, Sandra, I interrupted you. Please finish what you were saying.”

If you’re the one who finds yourself interrupted, Willkomm suggests calmly interjecting: “Excuse me, Jim. I’m interested in what you have to say, but I’d like to finish my thought.” Expressing that you care about their perspective and plan to listen — once you’ve had your turn — will help them feel less defensive or like they just slapped their hand, she adds.

Going on, and on, and on

We’ve all met someone who turns what would have been a two-way conversation into a monologue. “It’s the number one complaint I hear when I work with clients,” says Alex Lyon, a professor in the communication department at SUNY Brockport who does popular videos online training people to become better communicators. “Some people take two minutes to say something that could have been said in 20 seconds.” Why? Probably because of the mistaken assumption that the ability to talk a lot means I’m an effective communicator, he believes. “You hear people say, ‘I have the gift of the gab,’ but it doesn’t always sound like a gift to the listeners.”

If you’ve reached the limit of how much you can take, cut back – this is one time when stopping is OK. In workplace scenarios, you might ask the kidnapper what they need from you or what the end result is, suggests Lyon. In social situations, redirect the conversation to another topic (or find a polite excuse to leave).

If you recognize that you are the one who can be long, ask your friends for feedback. Tell them you’re working on your communication skills, Lyon recommends, and that you’d appreciate knowing where you could improve. Let them know that it’s okay to stop when you start to go on and on and that you’re making a real effort to break the habit. “It takes guts,” Lyon admits, but the payoff can be significant.

Distracted “listening”.

In general, people are not good listeners, says Willkomm. We read emails during Zoom meetings; “Subtly” check phones at dinner; start plotting the next day’s itinerary while a friend talks. That distraction is a problem. “The inability to actively listen is so important because it can really diminish one’s sense of worth,” she says.

If you notice that a coworker is clearly not paying attention at work, Willkomm suggests addressing them privately: “There’s so much on your plate—I don’t know if you realize it, but it’s obvious to others that you’re disengaged. .” Or you could use some humor, which works in both professional and social settings: “What’s burning up your phone? Do you want to share?”

If you know your listening skills could use an adjustment, in the meantime, set yourself up for success by putting your phone in your pocket or turning it upside down and physically removing any other distractions, advises Willkomm. Give the other person your full attention by looking them in the eye, use body language to nod to show you’re following them, and resist the temptation to start planning what you’re going to say before it’s your turn to speak.

He picked up the other person

Conversation is not a competition – yet some people act like it is. You know the type: if you say you have a new car, they’ll tell you about their flashier, fancier version. Have you just adopted a puppy? Their doodle graduated first in his class from listening school; next stop, Westminster.

The best way to handle a one-upper, Lyon says, is with a simple, “Good for you. I’m happy for you.” “It kind of means swallowing your pride, because you might feel like you’re letting them win,” he says. “But conversations aren’t something you should win.” Maybe you’re still tempted to pull back a he boasts not so humbly that will top everything they just said. Your real-time ego check: “Why am I trying to outdo them? Is it because I have some insecurity or am I feeling competitive?” — can help remind you not to get involved.

Opinion-jacking

Willkomm has noticed an interesting – and frustrating – phenomenon: when a woman gives her opinion on something in a work meeting, a male colleague will repeat it as if it were his own. She hopes more people feel comfortable shutting down this type of behavior, which is often called “hepeating.” “I think it’s really incumbent on peers and men to respectfully call people out on this,” she says. For example: “Bill, thanks for summarizing what Janet said.” That makes the trick good, she adds, because you’re not demeaning Bill—but you’re still giving credit to the person whose idea it was.

You might also consider taking them aside in private to say, “I’ve noticed this a few times—you’re probably not aware of it,” suggests Willkomm. “I think we always have to give that benefit of the doubt. You’ll know pretty soon if they’re aware and keep doing it.” And if you are the culprit? It might help to reflect on the origins of the habit and work on overcoming it with a therapist or communication coach.

Giving unsolicited advice

Sometimes you just want to let it all out, which means you’re looking for an open ear, not a torrent of unwanted (and potentially irrelevant) help. Unsolicited advice “rubs people the wrong way because it’s a little presumptuous,” says Altano. If you’re on the receiving end, she suggests stopping the person you’re talking to: “I really appreciate your input, but I’m just looking to ventilate right now.” “It might seem so obvious, and like an idea, but the other person doesn’t necessarily know that,” she says.

On the other hand, if you’re inclined to offer some words of wisdom to a friend, first ask, “Are you open to some suggestions, or would you rather not right now?” That expression empowers people to say no, Altano points out—in which case it’s important to respect their boundaries and save the advice for another time.