Asking Eric: Is it worth trying to change my relationship with my resentful stepparents?

Of R. Eric Thomas

Updated: 34 minutes ago Published: 7 hours ago

Dear Eric: My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 3. He left with our father and I with our mother. We saw each other during holidays and summers. Both parents remarried and had two more children. There is a gap of seven to nine years or more in our ages.

My brother and I were treated less like family and more like resentment. Fortunately, we had loving grandparents who showed us love and created safe places for us when we were with them.

To this day, we are both retired, have families, and have done well in every way. We worked hard to build and maintain a relationship with our parents and step-parents/siblings. I thought progress was made.

Both parents died within two years. Both stepparents redid their wills from them. I was surprised. Less for me, but for my children and their grandchildren.

I was left with an angry residue of past resentments that resurfaced. I don’t want anything from my parents. It’s not about the money – it’s not much, I know. I just don’t know how to move forward. Do I ghost him? Stop calling, writing and visiting because you feel very one-sided? I did most of the work and effort to maintain a relationship.

– Neglected stepchild

Dear Slighted: What petty people your step parents seem to be. They can adjust their wills any way they want, but it’s very telling that they didn’t make the big change until after your parents were gone. It doesn’t suit me. It feels callous and calculated. And pointlessly so.

Despite the machinations with their estates, you can still decide what you want from them. There is a version of this where you decide these are people not worth knowing. They were brought into your life at a tender time and they were not kind. It can be most liberating to say, “I deserve more than this; I’m leaving this relationship in the past.”

Alternatively, you can say, “I want to be in a relationship, and this is one-sided. What can we do to change that?” And see what they come up with. But honestly, I don’t know if it’s worth your time.

Finally, if you haven’t read Ann Patchett’s wonderful perfect novel Commonwealth, you might want to pick it up. It’s about a blended family and some of the themes might resonate strongly with you in a way that feels cathartic.

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Dear Eric: My sister-in-law, whom I love and have known since she was little, recently bought two small “doodle” dogs. She brought them with her for an overnight visit over the weekend.

They bark at every little sound – a person entering the room, the door opening/closing. My sister-in-law’s response to her dogs was ineffective.

The weekend with her dogs worried me and I found it hard to enjoy my visitors.

It was worse for me to tolerate because I have experience both professionally (with children) and personally (with dogs) in analyzing and modifying behavior problems. It’s very easy for me to see what reinforced the dogs’ behavior.

My dilemma is should I not allow her to bring her dogs for the next visit or should I do a visit that includes bringing the dogs according to my sister-in-law that will allow me to teach her how to deal with dog behavior? She doesn’t seem bothered by the relentless barking and screaming.

– Tired dog

Dear Tired: Although your experience is with children and dogs, it sounds like the behavior you most want to change is that of your adult sister-in-law. That will present a problem.

It’s okay to tell him the dogs made too much noise last time and ask him to leave them behind for the next visit. This, of course, makes the visit less hospitable, since he will have to find a suitable dog. And he can choose to stay at home. If you’re okay with that possibility and won’t resent her for it, great.

It’s also good to offer to teach her a better way to handle her dogs. But making it a prerequisite to spending time with you? I don’t see how that wouldn’t cause resentment.

You have a long, loving relationship. You can just tell her that dogs are getting on your nerves and you have some advice, if she’s open to it. Doodle behavior is not a reason to fuel an argument. Talk to her without judgement. Offer assistance, but accept her “no thanks” if that’s her answer.

Clear communication without trying to control it will make planning your next meeting easier. And it empowers her to consider both your feelings and hers.