5 small behaviors of couples who stay in love longer, according to psychology | Moushumi Ghose

As a society, we expect to fall madly in love and have a successful relationship. We want to hear trumpets and whistles, feel butterflies in our stomachs and hear birds singing in our souls. This is how we know if someone is “the one”.

I always preach that we need to make more conscious decisions when it comes to relationships and marriage. We need to address things like monogamy and other short and long term goals. We need to have discussions, no matter how difficult, about our needs and recognize that we change and grow even after we commit to a person for the rest of our lives.

Relationships work through communication, bouncing back from broken agreements and breaches of trust, communicating our wants and needs, and staying attractive to our partners.

Here are 5 little behaviors of couples that stay in love longer, according to psychology

1. Don’t rush to the next step

We’re always in such a rush to control the outcome of our desires, whether it’s physical intimacy, constant dating, saying “I love you,” moving in together, getting married, babies, or whatever. We are so eager to get to the next step that we often lose sight of it.

We lose touch with our friends, work, family, interests and hobbies. So slow it down. Let things unfold in their own time. If a relationship takes a year or five to materialize, so be it. what’s the rush Research in the Communication and social interaction skills manual shows how romantic relationships involve unique functional tasks, and these tasks take time.

Note: If you’re in a rush for something like a biological clock or some other arbitrary social measure, you’re more likely to run into problems.

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2. They talk about their needs

This is key because it sets the tone for the relationship for years and years to come. This means you need a night off or a few days off to take care of yourself. A longitudinal study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explains the importance of emotional expression, whether it’s having alone time, keeping up with work, friends, family or hobbies, talking about them.

Even if you think you don’t want or need it. Don’t neglect yourself for the sake of the relationship or love.

3. They cultivate their other close relationships in life

A study led by Angela Caron shows the importance of several close relationships, so don’t forget about your friends. Don’t forget your family. Don’t forget your work. Don’t forget your hobbies.

In the early days of blissful lust and romance, it’s easy for your new lover to become all-consuming. It may seem like a wonderful idea to spend every waking moment with them and neglect all the things you used to do.

Even if you’d rather spend the night basking in your love glow, accept that invitation to go to a concert with a friend, go to that party with your friends, and leave the new lover to his own devices.

Do extra work as before. Keep your Saturday surf plans with your surf group. Just because you’re happily in love now doesn’t mean you’re joined at the hip. Keeping up with you will be key.

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4. They spend time alone

Go to the gym alone. Go to the cinema alone. Do all the things you used to do as a single person, not always like before, but occasionally.

Don’t invite your new lover to do everything with you. I know you didn’t like doing it alone before, but guess what, this alone time is key to understanding yourself, nurturing yourself, and setting the tone for long-term healthy relationship patterns in the future, such as as suggested by research examining the effect of self on adult attachment.

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5. They know how to say no

Learn to say no. If your partner is the one who always invites you or wants to tag along, say no, even if you think you want them to join you or if you don’t care.

Getting into a bad habit of saying yes is akin to neglecting your own needs. It may seem like a small thing now, but in the long run it will help you maintain your independence and autonomy in a connected relationship.

In the end, Lynn Jamieson’s exploration of the limits of intimacy shows how we need to be connected to our partners while maintaining each other. If one plus one equals two, that’s better than two halves equaling one.

Maintaining your autonomy and independence will empower you as an individual, keep you strong, maintain your identity, and keep passion, intimacy, and attraction alive for years to come.

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Moushumi GhoseMFT, is a licensed therapist and author whose passion is around advocacy and change in breaking down barriers to better relationships.