Maintaining romance and sex life while dealing with infertility

You and your partner are embarking on a new venture: dealing with fertility issues while trying to build a family. You both assured yourself and each other that romance and intimacy wouldn’t be forgotten, and in fact, you thought the fertility journey might even make you a closer couple. So what happened?

Here’s what happened: Hormonal cycles were disrupted or increased, cycle-dependent intercourse or in vitro fertilization (IVF) replaced unexpected love affairs, sperm and egg retrievals were no fun, the medical protocols interfered with date nights, financial considerations. it became worrying and the outcome started to look unpredictable. Is it any wonder that studies show that couples often report that spontaneity, romance, and sexual pleasure decrease as fertility anxiety increases?¹

But don’t abandon your plan to maintain romance and intimacy during your fertility journey. There are many effective strategies for you and your partner to try, but they don’t automatically kick in; you need to be informed and ready to practice some new skills.

1. Establish a guilt-free mindset.

Both you and your partner need to make it clear to yourselves and others that neither of you is to blame for your fertility problems. Men often tell me that they feel guilty if there is male infertility and a partner has to go through egg retrieval to deal with it. Women often tell me that they feel they have failed their partner if there is a problem with their eggs or uterus. We are not responsible for our height, contact lenses, singing voice or allergies. Fertility issues are no different. Even if they are age related, your life journey brought you to each other and to your fertility journey now. You can choose to move forward on the journey together emotionally.

2. Declare areas free of treatment and discussion.

To remind yourself why you like and love each other, try banning treatment discussions at dinner and in the bedroom. During these times, think of yourself as “ready” rather than in a state of barrenness. Not only will it reduce distraction, but it will also give you a more accurate perspective. There are now so many options for treatment and family creation (intrauterine insemination (IUI), IVF, genetic testing, donor egg, donor sperm, surrogacy, gestational carriers, adoption, fostering) that if you want to be parents together, usually ‘there will be be a way

3. Set up “talk time” sessions.

The studies are clear. Couples who allow themselves to talk openly about their emotional and physical needs during fertility treatments have greater relationship satisfaction. By talking about your needs, you’re giving your partner permission to talk about theirs, too. You are sharing instead of shutting them down and leaving them confused. And if even short-term sexual or relationship counseling is added by mutual consent, emotional bonding during the journey is more likely to succeed.²

4. Take a stress break.

To make emotional space for romance and intimacy, take a break from worrying, watching, and waiting for lab results. Since we can’t feel relaxed and tense at the same time, try counter-programming by giving yourself some positive physical sensations to block the stress, like a hand or foot massage (or both!), eating your favorite meal from childhood, cleaning out a closet Increase your sense of control, stretch to remind your body how it feels to not be tense, or singing or dancing (close your bedroom door and turn on the music!) all work because they are a dead time for stress. and make us more receptive to pleasure.

And let yourself laugh. In fact, look for laughter. It’s nature’s innate stress reliever and a great step towards bringing some joy back into your life. Worrying full-time won’t help your fertility journey, and laughter and fun won’t affect the results of your treatment. In fact, both will help you last in the long run.

5. Try the sensory approach.

Sensational focus means scheduling a non-sexual pleasure session with your partner to increase your physical connection without any pressure to arouse you sexually.³ Take turns massaging, stroking, holding or hugging them. Or shower together. You get the idea. Feel free to tell your partner what you would like and what feels good to you. Try to do this often during your trip to stay connected instead of distracted, and rely on each other to calm you down, just as you planned to. You’ll probably find that pleasure often leads to sexual intimacy as well. Note that the advantage of the sensitive approach, not the objective.

Finally, decide to stay focused on the present journey together and not relive your own past, which you can’t change, or foresee a worst-case scenario future, which neither of you can predict. Take your journey one day at a time and the day to start is today.