When my husband used this phrase with our marriage counselor, he confirmed that he was a narcissist

My husband and I spent months in marriage counseling before our counselor gave us a test. It consisted of a hundred or more questions. We all completed our answers and returned our tests.

A few weeks later we arrived at our next appointment. Our marriage counselor, who is also a psychologist, was direct. First he looked at me and said, “You’re not an enabler. You’re an important, important enabler.”

And then she turned to my husband. “You lack empathy,” he said. “It’s a critical deficit.” My husband was upset.

RELATED: How to Deal with a Narcissist: 8 Smart and Simple Steps

And then my husband uttered the sentence that confirmed he was a narcissist.

“What do I care if some dog falls through the ice on the evening news or some guy I don’t know loses his job,” he said.

“Once again, the lack of empathy is a critical deficit,” the councilor said. “Empathy is a developmental stage that we get in childhood, and you miss that critical empathy.”

My husband continued to argue with our counselor. He thought the questions were ridiculous and the test meant nothing. He was not ready to accept anything they told him. Of course, I didn’t know that this was the least offensive way to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. According to statistics, approximately 2% of the US population is narcissistic.

“That’s not my opinion,” said our marriage counselor. “These are industry standards in the field of psychology.” My husband still refused to acknowledge the proof.

It took our advisor months to get to this point. Good therapists understand that not only does it take time to determine what is going on with an individual and a relationship, but you run the risk of turning people away from wanting to continue counseling if you say too much too soon.

We limped through a few more months of dating. My husband no longer wanted to continue with marriage counseling.

“Why would I go back?” said my husband. “They tell you that you care, and they tell me that I’m a jerk.”

His words were right. “A facilitator can be an overly attentive person,” I said. “But it’s still unhealthy behavior.”

In the end, I continued counseling on my own. It was my oxymoron: marriage counseling for one. I didn’t know what else to do. I wasn’t ready to leave my husband yet, but I wasn’t happy enough to want to stay either.

One day our marriage counselor sent me home with two books. One was about living with a narcissist and the other about living with a passive-aggressive personality.

Craig Adderley / Pexels

RELATED: I’m a conscious narcissist and here are 18 truths about loving people like us

My husband was what is known as a covert narcissist.

A covert narcissist’s demeanor appears relaxed, but they are just as controlling as an overt narcissist.

My husband saw the book on living with a narcissist. Incredibly, he picked it up to read. I went back to my next marriage counseling appointment.

“My husband wants to read the book on living with a narcissist,” I said. “Really?” said our counselor in surprise.

About a week later, my husband walked into our bedroom. He slapped the book on the table and looked straight at me. “Yes,” he said. “That’s not me.”

This was the beginning and end of a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. My husband refused to believe his diagnosis, which is not unusual for a narcissist.

A narcissist doesn’t think he is a narcissist. It is related to his critical lack of empathy. A lack of empathy prohibits a narcissist from seeing outside of their world and into the world of another. There is only one world: the world of the narcissist.

This is why a narcissist does not live in real reality but in their distorted perception of reality. They never leave their world. That’s why they can make those who love them feel crazy.

I didn’t just marry a narcissist. I had married a narcissist on the severe end of the narcissistic spectrum.

I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did after the narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis. I think a part of me felt validated. I wasn’t losing my mind. This man was two completely different people. One charming and one cold, cruel and calculating.

And I believed in miracles. I knew there was no cure for narcissism. I understood that it is rare, if not impossible, to treat this troubling disorder. But I thought if I prayed hard enough, my husband might be the one exception.

I was fooling myself. I was in denial. Narcissism is an abusive and dangerous personality disorder. I don’t remember any of the other test questions we were asked. Partly because there were so many, and partly because the two questions my husband repeated that day are etched in my memory. They left no room for any other details.

Vera Arsic / Pexels

RELATED: The terrifying truth about life after a narcissist’s divorce

Not just because my husband refused to acknowledge his lack of empathy, but because his answers to these questions set off bells and whistles in my head.

I was reminded of all the times my husband had inappropriate reactions: when he refused to pick me up from surgery when I was under anesthesia.

When he refused to come to the hospital to pick up our second son because he said he had to work. When I was angry, I didn’t go on business trips when my mother was dying. Not a single tear was shed when our dog was put to sleep.

These are just a few of the times he lacked critical empathy. I didn’t get it because it could be just as lovely. Research from 2010 states that the reason narcissists are so attractive is because they know how to project a persona of high self-esteem and confidence.

The average person would feel something if they were watching the evening news and saw a dog struggling because it fell under the ice. They would feel a sense of sadness to hear that even a stranger was losing their job and struggling. But my husband didn’t hear anything.

If you believe you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and it’s not a reflection of who you are or anything you’ve done wrong.

If you think you may be at risk, support is available 24/7/365 through National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you can’t talk safely, text LOVEIS at 1-866-331-9474.

RELATED: I mistook my covert narcissist husband for a simple, easy-going man – the crucial sign I missed

Colleen Sheehy Orme is a national affairs columnist, journalist and former business columnist. He writes about love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce and narcissism.